When God calls you to be Naked and Afraid.

I think America has it flip-flopped.

Abrupt, I know, but I’m diving right in for this one!

One of my most defining characteristics is my independent nature. For years I have accepted compliments concerning my self-sufficient core, and I used that knowledge of myself as a huge part of my foundation. This is not only one of my defining characteristics, but it’s one of America’s as well.

As I’ve been studying this week, I’ve realized that this trait, this ideal, actually does the opposite of what we think it will do. This self-sufficient, independent, pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps attitude is suffocating America, and more specifically, the Church.

When Christians become so focused on being examples, so afraid of slipping up, our sights shift from pursuing the Lord to survival mode. Suddenly, we are no longer being continually filled with the Lord’s grace and power, and instead we’re running on battery energy. When we do things on our own, we’re actually doing less than we are empowered to do. Battery energy is great, and obviously we can’t spend every second of the day “plugged-in”, but why in times of low-battery-crisis-mode do Christians forget there’s a charger right there, totally available for our use!

God is literally right there, waiting for us to remember, “Oh, riiiiiight. That whole control thing? Not my job!”

As a side note, “Not my job” has become one of my favorite phrases, and everyone in a position of leadership needs to become better-acquainted with it.

Instead of fearing the Lord’s sovereignty, I’ve found myself thanking Him for it.

Thank you God for being the one who fixes people.

Thank you God for being the original and ultimate source of wisdom.

Thank you God for not expecting me to do Your job.

When the Lord called me to surrender my self-sufficient nature and my independence, I thought I was losing my mind. How could this, out of all of my interesting personality quirks, be something that needed to go?

And then I thought for awhile.

I allow my independence to fill holes that the Lord is desiring to fill:

The absence of my family

Single life

Fear of failure

Fear of rejection

These were all things I never thought I would have issues with, and never did, only because I covered over the holes with my own strength and confidence. And it worked for a very, very long time. But when the Lord called me to a deeper walk, a deeper surrender, it meant stripping that away so He could show me what was underneath, a truer version of myself: A heart deeply dependent and in love with the Lord in ways she never knew possible.

Being independent is great, and I love it, but this new bond I have with the Lord is so much more. I put so much pressure on myself to be me that I never realized the Lord was offering to take that burden in order to reveal a new part of me. He told me it was time to stop being everything for myself, and instead allow myself to be empty and trust Him to fill me.

“Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal.  Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”               – C.S. Lewis

“Never mistake vulnerability for weakness.” -Atticus

And that’s a wrap! I hope the first week of classes have been great for everyone, and I love feedback, so don’t be afraid to comment! 🙂

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Update 

  
Drugs were fantastic. I had a déjà u experience which it going to spur some further research and will probably seep into my writing. 

You probably won’t hear from me for a couple weeks, so see you later!

Goodbye Wisdom Teeth, Hello Adulthood

Goodbye Wisdom Teeth, Hello Adulthood

As I sat watching NCIS with my grandmother, who is threatening to give away yet another twist in the show, a sudden ache deep in my gums reminds me that, even at 19, my body is still growing (Although I’ve been the same height since 6th grade, and the same weight for almost as long). This simple idea started a train of thoughts, which have been cropping up more and more as of late: I will be twenty in March.

I will be twenty on March 20th of 2016, and yet still my body, the same body I’ve had my whole life, is throwing me a curveball.

Granted, it’s a very normal curveball as far as that goes, but it’s still a change, a change SO incredible that my tiny mouth apparently can’t contain it.

So, as it is now the night before my surgery, I stop to ponder.

Why am I so worried/excited for 20?

Legally I’ve been an adult for almost two years now, so really it’s more of a two-year-adultiversary.

For some reason 20 just seems really big- too big for my body to hold, because, honestly, I still pass for a high-schooler, and get mistaken for the student instead of the teacher.

I digress.

What I mean to say is that as I sit here and type this out, I am coming to the conclusion that yes, 20 is indeed a big number, and no I don’t feel prepared for it, but it IS still my proper number.

It’s kinda like when I was a kid and mom would would get a size that was just a bit bigger than I needed so I could grow into it.

For some reason I’ve been allowing myself to think that my teen years were for adventuring, and once those years are up, I have to settle down, but that’s not true at all. With each new year there should be a new level of growth and maturity, but that doesn’t mean I can’t also watch Adventure Time and go trick-or-treating (one of the perks of not looking my age).

At least, that’s what I’m telling myself.

Maybe all of this rambling is just to avoid the actual thought of my near-chipmunk-future?

Anyway, sorry for the gap between posts, I’m returning to college this week and I still have a lot of preparing to do! But more on that another time.

Cheers, to wisdom, adulthood, and convincing your friends to dress up like the Golden Girls!